Contentment: Finding Joy While Grieving Fertility

I see you there. I see you staring at your phone with tears in your eyes. Another baby announcement, another baby shower invite, another dream coming true for someone else. I see you there. 

I see you walking the baby isles at Target, smelling the lotions, touching the clothes, wishing you had an infant to snuggle. I see you there. 

I see you in Facebook groups chatting about baby dust and ovulation kits and what time of day is best for conceiving. I see you there. 

I see you at the doctors office waiting for another procedure, another ultrasound, another blood draw, another negative pregnancy test. I see you confused by this new term - Secondary Infertility. 

I see you there. 

I see you because, I am you.  

For almost five years, we tried for a baby. Five years. 

We trusted God with our future. Prayed for His will to be done in our lives. Prayed quietly. And cried. Prayed some more. And cried. Prayed louder. And cried. 

We decided to run a few more tests and that's when we were told, without the expensive measures of invetrofertilization, the odds of conceiving on our own were 1 in 50 million.

I was broken. Completely broken.

I began to spiral into a deep dark vortex of depression and bitterness.

All of a sudden there were babies everywhere. I mean everywhere. Going to the grocery store was hard. Going out to dinner was hard. Everything was hard. 

Many nights I cried myself to sleep. I resented women who became pregnant after just a month of trying. I would quietly cry to myself after holding a friends newborn. I harbored anger towards my Creator. The One who knit me together in my mother's womb. 

I blamed Him for my shattered dreams.

So, how do I find contentment when the longings of my heart are unfulfilled?

1. Seek Counsel: The Bible says in Proverbs 24:6, For by wise guidance you will wage war, and in abundance of counselors there is victory.

Visiting a Christian counselor encouraged and strengthened me. I fought battles of suppressed emotions and came out victorious on the other side. She spoke truth and love into my heart, when I needed someone to listen, all while pointing me back to the One I was so angry with. 

2. Pray: Romans 12:12 says, Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Do not stop praying, even when you don't think you have anything left to pray. The Lord longs for us to have fellowship with Him, to talk with Him, to cry with Him. He sees our broken hearts.

3. Give Yourself Grace: 2 Corinthians 12: 9 says, But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

You're going to slip up. You're going to have good days, and you're going to have bad days. Ask the Lord to strengthen you when you are weak. He is enough. 

4. Do Not Suffer Silently: Romans 5: 3-5 says, Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.

Find a local infertility support group, talk to a friend, call your pastors wife. Let someone know. There is solidarity in meaningful friendships. There are hugs, and a simple, How are you? Our sufferings produce perseverance, and character, and hope because God.

5. Trust the Lord, Even if He Says No: Psalm 100:5 says, “For the LORD is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations.”

We must trust in the Lord with all of our heart, our mind, and our strength. He sees our future, we can't. He knows the beginning to the end. He is faithful and good.  

Am I fully recovered? Am I done grieving? Is God really enough?

I choose to wake up every day. I choose to be present at baby showers, and eat a cupcake or two. I choose to hold the tiny bundle that is my friends newborn baby. I choose to smile when I see a baby announcement. 
I choose to face my grief. 

I choose because Jesus chose me. He pulled me out of the darkness of my sin and gave me a new life, an undeserved free gift of salvation. His love ran red for me so I could be white as snow. No matter what I face in life, I have hope.

My Word of the Year: Contentment

I really wanted to do something different in regards to the typical New Year Resolutions. I thought I would study and concentrate on one word. A word that would change my attitude, change my thought process, and change my heart. I chose CONTENTMENT. We had a very challenging year with a lot of emotional highs and lows. I thought I would share some of what happened this year with you:

My heart has struggled with being content since we found out that, without the help of expensive IVF treatments, the dream of adding to our family would not become a reality. We were crushed, heartbroken, and most of all, I was angry. To be completely transparent, I was angry at women who just aborted their babies as a form of birth control, angry at God for letting mothers of drug addicts conceive babies only to have them addicted at birth and taken away, angry at God for writing scriptures like, “Children are a blessing from the Lord” and “Be fruitful and multiply”. Looking back, wow, it was so easy for the enemy to just take hold of my heart and turn it to bitterness. Am I better? No. Is it getting easier? A little. Do I cry in my car after holding my friends’ newborn baby at the hospital? Not anymore.

We dreamt of adding a new patio to our backyard and it happened! Everyone worked so hard to get it finished so we could host our first annual Christmas in July party. It was a success! The patio was beautiful and it made our yard looks huge! I thought that by changing up the scenery in our backyard, that would make me happy. I had dreams of our family laughing by a fire, and playing volleyball out back. Dreams of sipping my morning coffee in my new patio chair, watching the sun rise, and the birds fight over the feeder. But, it just wasn’t enough for me. I was still just.. not happy. 

I was falling into a deep dark vortex of depression. I was experiencing hardship in some of my closest friendships. I had let the voice of the enemy speak louder than the voice of my Lord. It was an awful place to be. With encouragement from others, I decided to seek out a Christian counselor who could speak truth and love to me. I found out a lot about myself this summer. It's amazing what comes to the surface when you start talking about your life. I'm thankful for the gifting of people who listen to other people talk about their brokenness. 

Then the Lord called us to a new church home in Decatur. We left the comforts of established relationships and walked into the path the Lord set before us. It was scary, and exciting, and made me anxious. I would question, Lord, are you sure that I am qualified for such a job as this? Are you sure that I can do this without the leading of my senior pastors wife? Are you sure God that you trust me with this? Self doubt started to take hold of my heart. What if they don't like me? I'm not like the other pastor wife. I can't play any instruments, we don't live in the area, what if they think I'm really awkward? In my eyes, I didn't measure up. I continued to be discontent with who I was. To my surprise, our new church opened their arms, and welcomed us with excitement in their eyes. They were happy that we were there, and so are we. 

With all of the good and all of the bad, I still just didn't feel like my dreams were ever going to come true. I made goal lists, to do lists, meal plan lists, all kinds of lists. I crave simplicity and my house is far from it. Just not happy. I want a new car, a new house, we all need new beds, we NEED more space. I just want to wake up and not see a basket of clean clothes on the floor. I want to lose weight, I wish my memory didn't stink.. I could go on and on and on. 

.. Then I feel ashamed. Ashamed that there are little kids in 3rd world countries who sleep outside, who drink unclean water, who wear the same clothes for a week at a time. Ashamed that I am complaining about my car, my house, our furniture, our clothes, our brand new patio, our desire to have more children. 

So, this is where my word comes in. CONTENTMENT. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary says it best: Freedom from worry or restlessness; peaceful satisfaction. The Bible also explains why contentment and coveting do not go together. 

This is a promise from the Lord! He will never leave you or forsake you. He has planned every single day of your life, we just need to allow Him to lead us, and trust Him.

Jesus is speaking right to us in this scripture! When we hunger for worldly things, we will always be discontent and looking for more. But when we hunger for righteousness, our hearts can't help but be content. 

Do you find yourself struggling with the same heart discontentment? Are things just never really enough for you? I hope that you would join me on my journey to contentment. I path I am sure will not be straight but a path with many twists and turns. My prayer for me, for you, is that the Lord will stretch us during the process of finding contentment in the everyday things, no matter how big or small they may seem.